Messy thoughts about cosplay and shifting interests

Hello folks!

I've thought about making this blog post for a long time now but never really got around to it. I'm currently stuck with the flu for the second time this month and figured, as I have nothing else to really post well I do have like fifteen WIP drafts from years back but ssch, no one knows that now is the perfect time to get this out of my system. I'm gonna apologize in advance because this will most likely get long and all over the place so yeah, you've been warned.

Let's go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So basically I've been feeling that my interest in cosplay has been dwindling since the last couple years or more. I don't know when exactly it started but I sure know that being locked out of my MyAnimeList account for more than two years did add to it – yes, I only got access back on September this year and that means that I quite literally did not watch any anime in two years as it bothers me like hell if I can't keep tabs on what I'm watching. The weird part is that during this off time I came to notice that I had no real, compelling urge to watch anime nor did I really grow any kind of fomo (fear of missing out) about new series. I didn't read any manga either, save for one exception which was a one-shot, so I don't really count that. And even though my account is back now I still haven't felt like watching anything, even though my "plan to watch" list is very long...

All of this made it so that I started feeling like I had somehow grown out of the "weeb phase" and I felt really weird about it. Like being this anime and manga nerd has been my thing for so long, a big part of my identity. But it just doesn't click as much as before, I don't feel the same excitement when new series are revealed etc and I feel like I should sell a lot of my previously hoarded anime merchandise. When I look at my 40 odd something Bleach mangas I feel a strong urge to sell them at the next best con, lol.
Even my future cosplay list feels like it's in need of an overhaul... and when I look at said cosplay list I realize that almost all the characters left are from video games or western sources like movies. And that's when it hit me.

Maybe my interests are shifting from anime and manga cosplays to video games, fantasy and movies?

It's not really that I don't feel like cosplaying from anime/manga or that I would be "growing out of it" (whatever that means) but I have been having these specific thought demons that have been getting more and more loud as the years have passed. We can start by asking y'all – I'm pretty sure no one has missed how I've done very few, if any, new costumes these past years, right? While there's many reasons that contribute to it the main thing is a combination of lack of money and a lack of energy and motivation hello mental illness my old friend. Now, with manga and anime there's a neverending stream of series available (it's overwhelming!) and I don't know if it's just me or not but I tend to lose interest in series that I have finished really fast. Alarmingly fast, in fact. Like most times as soon as I start watching a new anime I will almost completely drop interest in the previous one, unless I had a particularly strong emotional connection to it. And even then it's unstable for long-time commitment.
It's not uncommon that by the time my ordered wig arrives for a character that, umm, I've already dropped the idea to cosplay said character in favor of something else. And now I have a random wig lying around, which isn't too bad... until there's like over twenty of them in all colors of the rainbow and you sit there and realize how much money you wasted on them. So there I am, with a hole in my wallet and I feel how the dread of "what am I gonna do with all of these things?" slowly kicks in. I could have used all that money for a costume that I would actually wear.

Wigs en masse.

After several of my "what am I doing with my life" ponderings I came to realize that what my remaining cosplay candidates had in common was that they all, more or less, were somehow either related to my childhood or to video games that I've played for a long time. Examples would be characters like Shin Kazama from Area 88, which is an anime/manga but I knew it as a Super Nintendo game from my childhood first – and that's why interest hasn't dropped even if the costume is on ice right now. Other examples would be Pokémon and Monster Hunter. I still want to do an armor set to match my Eldaora's Taus Hunting Horn and I have several Pokémon gijinkas that I designed years ago that I still want to do (although some need redesigns).

The point is that I feel like investing into a video game or "western" cosplay right now is a safer option for me. Many movies are popular and achieve cult/classic status years after their release (note: I'm not saying that anime don't do it!), with super strong and dedicated fanbases and I honestly would, in my current mindset, be a lot more inspired and comfortable to make a Lord of the Rings costume over let's say a Fruits Basket cosplay. I enjoy both of course but I feel like I've hit a stale point with anime cosplays and I want to try discovering new ground and fandoms that I only lightly stepped into before. It's a bit the same thing how I've been growing more and more interested in trying live-action roleplay and Dungeons & Dragons.
And I guess working at a cinema and noticing how several of my friends have been turning more and more towards embracing their western popculture roots is affecting me too – after all, cosplay is almost always more enjoyable with friends. I'm seriously longing for Pirates of the Caribbean groups, Harry Potter groups and Disney and Pixar groups! 
I feel like it's more important than ever right now for me to connect back to my childhood and teenage years because that's what gives me motivation to actually start and finish a cosplay, not just the "flavor of the season" anime that dies as suddenly as it came. I really need that extra burst to get anything done right now because I've been stuck in a horrible depression spiral for years now and any progress is good progress at this point.
Not to mention that I'm convinced that any western fandom cosplays I make will last me a lot longer and thus I won't feel so much dread and anguish over only wearing a cosplay once or twice and then feeling like "it's so yesteryear" or worrying that my friends will lose interest before I do. The thing is that I honest to god can't afford single-wear costumes because my economy is really bad and it stresses me the fuck out every day I'm alive so yeah, every costume counts and has to be worth every penny – and preferably be rewearable, aka inspiring to wear, for a long time. I feel absolute shit over unfinished costumes still lingering in my closet, especially because I know that I'm unlikely to ever get some of them done, not gonna lie.

Also, I've noticed that I don't have as much fun as I want to believe that I have when I go to cons alone. Heck, most times I haven't even been able to arse myself to cosplay when I'm going solo. I really need to be surrounded by friends to thrive and not fall into a pit of very loud anxiety. So hey, if any of my friends are reading this then let's plan something together for 2020?

tl;dr - I've lost that excitement for cosplay since years back and I'm slowly realizing that maybe it's not that I'm "growing out of it" as much as it is that my interests are changing from eastern to western pop culture and fandoms. I need to embrace my favorite video games and movies because those are the ones that are likely to keep me interested and motivated through the whole project – and the risk of losing interest after wearing the costume once or twice is minimal. Peace of mind, saved money and nostalgy. Win-win.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I'm probably forgetting to mention like one hundred things but hey, I have the flu so my brain is not the most present. I might follow this up with another thoughts and reflections style post? 

Please do note that this is not a "I will not do/wear any anime or manga cosplays ever again" exclamation, far from it! I will still do them but right now I really feel like I need to move away for a moment and dig on the other side of the trench, to refind that happiness and motivation which made cosplay fun in the first place.

Thank you for reading these messy ramblings, if anyone did. Have you had similar thoughts? I'd love to hear your stories!

~ Shiro Samurai out.

Cosplay waste as a result of falling out of fandoms

Hello guys!

January has been a quiet month for me it seems, it wasn't intended but I just honestly have a lot of stuff on my mind stressing me out and the blog is one more such thing right now. ^^"

I still want to write something and, as I've been thinking, I came to the conclusion that there's something with choosing what and who to cosplay that has changed for me over the years. Yes, I'm talking about the process of choosing cosplays. I'll apologize in advance if I repeat myself over the post a lot or if it's just really incoherent and messy but I want to get my thoughts out about this topic. It might be similar to this post and this one in some ways but I'll try to keep this one on a different note.

Let's go!

~~~~

I didn't really notice it much at first but during my earlier cosplay years, when everything was new and exciting, I was more... spontaneous. Like I would watch a new anime and immediately decide that I want to cosplay that character and start making the costume, without any second thoughts. What this led to in some cases was that I ended up with a half-finished cosplay lurking in the back of my wardrobe like a ghost of the past, never returning to finish what was started. Why? Because I lost interest in the fandom or character too fast. This, in hindsight, feels like a massive waste of time and resources as the hype in some cases is really fleeting and short-lived and honestly, what am I gonna do with the costume now? How could I even have known which series will last and which ones will die off? It's so daunting.

I have a few unfinished cosplays that met this tragic fate, just lying around whenever there's space and I prefer not to think about them. I punch myself mentally in the face when I see those costumes as it reminds me that all that money and time I could have used on "the right costumes" instead. I feel really conflicted about those unfinished cosplays – some I even have blog drafts about that are to this day unpublished and I just don't know what the fuck to do with them. I don't wanna just delete as I have documented them, taken photos, written about the constuction etc but publishing a post that dates back several years feels really... not relevant? Especially if the costume is not even finished and likely to never actually be debuted. Argh.

The problems arise when I try to figure out what to do. Having them unfinished stresses me out as I'm a perfectionist at heart (and at the same time a massive procrastinator, geez what a godly combo) but I just have little to no interest to go back to the costume, for whatever reason. And knowing me I don't have the determination to scrap it for materials either as I'm a hopeless "what if" thinker and will inevitably sit there and play out scenarios in my head about how angry I would be at myself if I scrapped the costume and later, somehow, got back the interest to actually finish it... or if the parts of the costume would double up for a future cosplay or even an OC, assuming they're generic enough.
Like I completely acknowledge that the odds of getting re-hyped about long past fandoms is small but still I'm holding on to that... or maybe it's just an excuse I make for myself because I put emotional value and feelings into everything I do and just don't wanna scrap it yet. I honestly don't know but it annoys me because it makes me a hoarder that can't easily part with anything without constantly being afraid that I might need it eventually. Not gonna lie, when I was a child I even kept trash like empty candy wrapping papers as I felt guilty throwing them away, as if they were living and feeling things. I know, it's kinda cringy but I was a really sensitive and overthinking kid.

All this has in turn led to a sort of fear of being too quick when choosing a costume – even if it is from a fandom that I have enjoyed for multiple years and deemed "safe to invest in". Truth is that I've lately been feeling distanced even from fandoms that I thought would be sorta eternal to me and now I don't know if I surely want to do some cosplays that I had planned and even bought fabrics for years ago already. I feel so horribly, horribly torn and a really bad economy makes it all worse as I'm constantly stressing over money and have started to feel like cosplay is too expensive for me to afford right now. So yeah, it's a real mess inside my head and nothing feels safe anymore; I feel bad about all the costumes that I'm unlikely to rewear or finish because it's too much of a hassle to sell them and I still can't get myself to scrap them either. 

So nowadays when I get into a new series I might find myself wanting to cosplay some characters really much but I'll hold on to that temptation and see what happens after some months – if it lessens I'll bury the idea and move on, if it stays I'll wait a bit longer. Seems healthy but at the same time it feels a bit like intentionally suffocating new cosplay hype (which is among the best feelings) but I can't afford any "cosplay waste" in my current situation, even though there's a whole different level of fun of doing something while it's new, exciting and your friends are doing it too. A part of me wishes I had the option to be more spontaneous, more forgiving of my own mistakes and that I didn't dwell so much on if I should do something or not. 

Nowadays it feels like every new costume has to be really carefully chosen (unless it's something I can mostly pull out of the closet) and while that's a good thing it makes me feel really doubtful and critical of every new potential candidate as well. Not to mention group and pair cosplays – I really want to do these more often but over half the time I regret saying "yes" before the next week comes around, even if it's a fandom I'm currently into. It's mainly me getting anxious about committing to something because it means I might get crap for it if I bail out, especially if the other person(s) already got started. Don't wanna be seen as a "bad friend" or "flaky cosplayer".

Oh and yeah, of course it's pretty safe to assume that you will eventually lose interest in pretty much any costume you've made but as long as it gets worn enough to make "the cost worth" it gives me no bad feelings and actually feels satisfactory – especially if I get good photos of it too. The issues arise with all the costumes that I only wear like once and then drop or that I never finish. The whole thing is basically just me questioning if my cosplay chosing process is reliable enough and if being picky hurts me or not in the long run, especially as a part of me yearns for wanting to be part of whatever is the hype train of the season – at least once. Despite the blasphemy my brain screams at me for wanting to do something popular as all my life I've been actively avoiding what's mainstream, lmao.

~~~~

Honestly I don't know where I'm going with this and I think I lost the red thread somewhere along the way. xD Not sure it even makes sense or if I'm being dramatic again but really, I'd love to hear from you if you have had similar experiences and/or thoughts about costumes that fell short? Spill the beans in the comment field below! I don't wanna be alone with this, lmao.

Thanks for reading my first post of the year!
~ Shiro Samurai out.

Me VS. makeup – How cosplay made me face my long-time enemy

Hello there, people of all genders!

Now here comes a post that I've had on my mind for a while now. I thought that it could be a nice idea to write about makeup and, more exactly, how drastically my thoughts have changed around it. You see, I used to reaaaaaally dislike makeup back then, although it feels utterly weird to say it now, haha.

Without further babblings I'll get to the first post of the year! Let's go ~

You see, before I got into cosplay I had been cramming my head effectively with the idea that makeup equaled nothing more than paying obscene amounts of money to put grease on your face so that you'd look fake. Ouch!
I'm not too sure why, how and when I developed these thoughts but I assume at least partly it comes from earlier school times when suddenly all the girls started using makeup and, while most of them looked fine, others ended up looking exaggerated with their super dark "hooker bar" makeup and, well,  back then I thought it looked like shit. :)) Not like I'm the one to judge but yeah, as a kid I was really negative towards makeup.
I guess my dislike towards makeup was further inconsciously strenghtened because some of these "overly makeup'ed girls" were in reality some of the many people who bullied me in school for years. Not like the makeup in itself is the reason or that it really matters but yeah, it somehow just left an negative impact on me (probably because I remembered some specific people as "those with a lot of makeup"), even though both guys and girls were treating me like a pile of shit without human value. I hate a lot of people from my former school, lol.

But yeah, I had no idea that cheap makeup existed. I had no idea that makeup could look natural, invisible and non-fake. I had no idea that you could use makeup simply for yourself and because it's fun and not just to attract others or give off the image that you're playing sexy, popular or whatever. I had no idea that makeup could actually make you look better without looking like what society thinks the typical flamboyant gay looks like (if you're a man) or a vain and self-centered bitch. What you mean I was narrow-minded and had no check on reality?
I seriously had no idea about the actual diversity of makeup users! People who use makeup range from actors (yes, even men), alternative fashion fans to long-haired badass dudes in heavy metal bands and... cosplayers. Cosplayers. 

...

...

Wait a sec, I'm one of them!! ∑(⊙ᗩ⊙;;)

THE HORROR.
... and my peeps be like "lol chill dude".

I had been effectively avoiding makeup like the plague before I got into cosplay; it was that thing that was so foreign to me and I viewed it as little more than a waste of money. I remember even telling myself that I'd never touch that shit, lol. And now I'm knee-deep in love with said shit, oops. I'm extremely ashamed to admit it but as a young pre-teen I used to think that "the only people who use makeup are those who are too ugly without it" or, God forbid, that makeup users had poor self-confidence or were using makeup to compromise for having an ugly personality.  
Ugh, I was such a horrible, judgmental and misinformed kid. Using makeup is not a synonym nor a reason for bad self-confidence – bad self-confidence is often the result from many different factors. Sure that makeup can make you feel better about how you look (often does!) but don't ever assume that all makeup users have self-image issues. Makeup is an art form, a hobby, a passion and has nothing to do with a lack of inner beauty either. Anybody can possess wonderful inner qualities and whether your face is slathered in two kilos of makeup or not doesn't factor in – anybody can be a good person and liking/using makeup isn't detrimental. I've learned since then that makeup shaming is a huge no-no. Makeup is fun and using it doesn't mean that you lack other qualities or have personal problems. Period.

Truth is that I don't even remember when exactly my opinions began to change, but at some point I realized that makeup, for me, was a neccessary evil in Cosplaylandia™ and that I had to change my approach to it at least a little – especially if I wanted to look somewhat decent on photos or at least a bit more like the character I was trying to portray. But the call to change wasn't the hard part to chew in this, no no – it was the need to learn. From scratch.

I mean, imagine this: You've been believing in Grace for all your life because she told you that Lucifer's grill foods taste like musty toe nails. But then you start studying to become a chef and suddenly it gets shoved in your face that Lucifer is actually a nice guy and that you should go and learn from him – he's the number one man who can teach you how to do the best roasted barbeque feast ever. And then, even more suddenly, you find yourself unwillingly shaking hands with your former enemy, trying to tell yourself that it's gonna be okay and that you'll learn to accept him bit by bit from now on, until you finally become friends and he'll teach you his secret mouth-watering barbeque recipes...

Just change the barbeque recipes to the mystery of makeup and you should get the idea of what it felt like for me, lol. I seriously had to step into unknown waters – I had no idea where to even begin! Everything was so strange to me, intimidating and complicated. The huge world of makeup made my head spin like a tumble dryer and, to make it worse, I didn't have anyone to turn to for help and guidance. Mom is not an option, way too awkward.

Have some (spinning) Monster Hunter meat grilling – because I can.

Nowadays it's more than embarrassing to think back about it but for my first two cosplays I didn't wear anything on my face, except perhaps for a miniscule amount of powder – and that was because mom told me to wear some at the con (yes, she was with me on my first big con). Yes, only powder. I didn't even color my light eyebrows to match the black wig nor use anything to define my eyes at all! Blasphemy!
Hell, I didn't even try to hide my dark circles or other nasty crud on my naked face; I seriously cringe beyond words when I bump into old cosplay photos that are tucked away somewhere in the deep dark corners of my computer – they shall never see the light of day or, otherwise, more than my pair of eyes will rot away. I seriously looked horrible and totally washed out, not gonna lie. It's that kind of thing when the costume is good-looking and even more so for a first one, the wig is good quality (but unstyled) but then there's *le gasp* the face with close to zero makeup on and –to put it as nicely as possible– it just crashes and burns the whole thing into cinders that float in hell for eternity. There ain't no saving that shit.

My first cosplay makeup experiences consisted of the following procedure: powder > eyeliner > fill in eyebrows (if necessary) > pale down lips (if necessary).
Nothing else. A bit later I started doing some minor contouring and after that I tried my hand at using foundation before setting the powder which, by the way, was a disaster. You see, I had always known that my skin is pale (dad would pull jokes about it) but I still wasn't expecting it to be so damn pale that I would have a hard time even finding a light enough fucking foundation! So yeah, my first foundation purchases were waaaayyyyyyy off the mark and I was nooby enough not to notice it until much later and, oh boy, do I puke at those photos now. 
Reminiscing back to that one year when I went to Sweden's biggest con (at that time) and didn't realize I had a horrible, mismatched, unblended brownish-orange foundation streak on my otherwise pale-ass jawline, that stood out like a thousand burning suns.
Finding a light enough foundation is, by the way, still one of my biggest challenges when it comes to makeup purchases, but I think I might finally have found something good – after years of accidentally buying mismatched shit that I can't use and don't know what to do with. #foundationfrustrations

I'm not gonna show you guys any old photos of my either non-existant or crappy makeup back then but I'll tell you that it looked really plain and dull; my eyebags were dragging on the floor, my face looked tired and washed out etc – it was horrible, plain and simple. I did the same very basic pencil eyeliner for all characters and yeah, it made me look like... me, except with a wig on, no matter what character I was supposed to be, lol. I also shudder at the reality that I didn't give a jackshit about my eyebrows until 2014, which means that I did a whole 4 years of cosplaying with hideous untouched hairy caterpillars crowning and roaming wild on my forehead!! *vomits profusely*
I mean, my eyebrows were so bushy that some hairs were growing on my eyelids! Eew. Nowadays I take out my tweezers and go through my brows at least every third day – what you mean cosplay changed me? No but really, cosplay made me start to seriously pay attention to my looks and I mean this in a good way! I'm super thankful about it now.

My first makeup tries looked like this. #relatable

Before cosplaying I rarely gave two shits about if I looked presentable in public or not (I could as well have walked around in a potato sack) but ever since I started cosplaying I make sure to look as clean and nice as possible unless I have a lazy day. Cosplay also made me view beauty and makeup from a whole different angle and made it more human and less superficial, funnily enough – everyone was beautiful in their own way. Cosplay made me realize that even a little change could go a long way in improving how you looked in your finished costume. I mean, the difference between using, for example, liquid eyeliner instead of pencil eyeliner already does a huge difference on photos!
Also, one thing to note is that especially on photos a makeupless face tends to look washed out and "disappear" most of the time, especially with a really colorful costume on or in strong lights, like stage lights etc. So yeah, for photoshoots makeup is really recommended and I'm glad I realized the difference it can make.

My initial response to using cosplay makeup was "meh" and then it slowly but surely grew into a "not too bad", followed by a "it looks better with makeup so I'll bother this time" and finally to a fullblown and self-admitted "I CAN'T COSPLAY WITHOUT MAKEUP! I NEED THIS SHIT!"

This is so me celebrating a successful makeup job.

So yeah, cosplay totally turned my whole view of makeup upside down. From being that kid who'd not even look twice at the grocery store's makeup counter to being that young man who walks in there and actually buys stuff and walks home being all excited about trying it out! It is awkward though when there's other people around. xD I need to get over it.
Nowadays I have quite a lot of makeup and I even have a makeup bag for it, but still I occasionally feel like I'm missing something... :'D I want to point out though that my cosplay makeup got a notable upgrade once I realized the wonders or primer, concealers and liquid eyeliner. It seriously took me until last year to understand how important primers and concealers are! *shamecorner* How can I have lived so long without these godsends?

I'm far from confident with my makeup skills and I still mess up... a lot. I also feel like I have a looooooot to learn –makeup knowledge is like an universe that won't stop expanding for me– but at least now I can honestly say that I LOVE MAKEUP. ♥ I can't even imagine cosplaying without makeup anymore and I've started to enjoy the whole process so much that I occasionally paint up my face for non-cosplay purposes too! Especially for alternative fashion because then I get to experiment and be creative, yay! o/
So yeah, to sum it up: I used to hate makeup but I've come to really value it as an irreplaceable tool to complete my cosplays. I also want to state that I think that makeup is for everyone! It's a fun and a great way to express ourselves and, for those who think that guys can't or shouldn't use makeup, I can say only one thing: "I don't give a rat's ass about your outdated bigoted opinion, gtfo and have a nice day. :)"

Friendly reminder: Please understand that this is just my personal makeup story (and my opinions) and is in no way meant to be a type of "you must use makeup to cosplay" post. There are plenty of cosplayers out there who don't want to, can't nor feel a need to use makeup and that's perfectly okay. There is no need, nor right, to judge those who choose to cosplay differently. Cosplay is for everyone and makeup is not a requirement for a successful cosplay or whatever – not everyone strives to get to the same level and as long as the costumer has fun and puts in the amount of effort they feel comfortable/good with then that's all that matters. Makeup is a tool to enhance the hobby for those who want to take it, not a neccessity.

I'm not even sure anymore what was the original purpose of me writing this post but I guess I got said what I wanted to say. I'm sorry if it's messy and all over the place though. Thank you for reading! ^_^

~ Shiro Samurai out! 

My cosplay strengths & weaknesses – REVELATION TIME!

 Hello geeks all across the world ~

Let's get straight to business! One ordinary day not so long ago I was living through my daily life, checking internet and just chilling around and them –BAM!– a thought suddenly struck me! I couldn't brush it away because it actually made me really think and get motivated to do another one of these "cosplay as a hobby" thought-filled posts soooo... here we go!

What if I made a blog post about how I am as a cosplayer and what I'm good and not-so-good at in this hobby?

I'm not sure if this has been done before but I figured that it might be an interesting thing to actually write down, if nothing else! Hopefully it will serve to let you all know a bit more about me as a cosplayer and maybe inspire others to do similar posts and appreciate their own skillsets too, both in good and in bad! After all, I'm far from equally talented in all the different fields that this hobby more or less requires from us and eey, ain't nothing wrong or weird with that. :) I thought this could be a fun way to show that yes, we all have things that we aren't as good at as others but that we also have our strong points! Yay for skill diversity appreciation!

So yeah, what's on the plate today is a breakdown list about my strengths and weaknesses as a cosplayer and yep, this is of course all 100% truth about me – seen from my own perspective. Leeeeeeet's goooooooo ~

With each category I've put a grade scale from 1-5, which is a way of indicating how good I personally think I am with each of them, with my enjoyment level counting in on the final grade – so yeah, some scores have an enjoyment bonus of 0,5-1 point added in. A low number means that I perceive it to be one of my weaker points and a high number means the opposite.
Note: the scores are of course not permanent since they only reflect my current situation. 

Patterning (2/5): This is definitely one of the things I dislike the most with cosplay, no joke. I think that the pattern making part is tedious, boring, complicated and just not my thing. Sometimes it happens that I lose my cosplay crafting motivation before I even get to start properly because of the damn patterning. ._. I just don't pattern. such difficult. much annoy. very bore.

So yeah, while I have managed to draft the patterns from scratch to, for example Masamune Date's blue coat from Sengoku Basara, I really don't think that I'm cut out for this bull. I get a lot of headaches trying to figure out how to make it work and yeah, it's such a demotivator that it huuurts.

Fabric cutting (1/5): UGH. UGH. UGH. Along with drafting/understanding patterns placing the darn paper pieces on the fabric the right, most clever fabric-saving way is just something that I don't get right and I always have a huge fear of screwing up and wasting ~le expensive fabric~ or cutting something the wrong way. I'm just not good at figuring out the best way to go about using my fabric wisely and it's really one of my weakest points on the whole sewing part – maybe silly but it's true. >_< Not to mention that I never got the gist of the whole straight grain thing no matter how many times someone explains it to me. ;_; I feel stupid for saying this but it just confuses me every time and I keep forgetting...

Oh, and being left-handed really is an additional shade of bother when the whole world always assumes everyone's freaking right-handed! Hello, impossible cutting angles. ._. (and before you ask: yes, I've tried left-handed scissors but lord they feel even more retarded than using right-handed ones! Maybe it's just me not getting many chances to use them when growing up...)

Fabrics (5/5): I'd like to think that I'm honestly good at figuring out what fabrics will give me the look and/or purpose that I want/need when it comes to making my costumes. I can touch and look at a fabric and pretty instantly be able to tell if it's what I'm looking for or not – if it has the required qualities of drape, texture, sturdiness, softness etc. I'm also fairly good at telling different types of fabrics apart when I see/feel them. I'm quite picky on what I choose to make my cosplay out of – it has to be right!

It's not a secret that I had prior fabric knowledge before starting with cosplay and yeah, that's mainly because my mom owned her own fabric store for yeeeeeeeears and I spent most of my childhood hiding between fabric rolls (hide-and-seek!) and helping her move stuff in the store etc. I learned a lot from her, both directly and indirectly because I've spent all my life surrounded by fabrics. Heck, mom's attic is still filled with fabrics from those times. ♥ I love the fabric smell, lol.

I always thought that fabric choice was an important part of cosplaying – hence why I didn't enter my cosplaying hobby in a beaming cheap satin monster or in a, what I'd like to call, "bedsheet cosplay". There's nothing sinfully wrong with those (we all start somewhere!) but yeah, I was always willing to pay a bit more to not look like I'm walking around in a potentially shiny potato sac. ;)

Sewing (4/5): I'd say that I feel pretty confident with my sewing skills; I haven't gone any proper schools for it or anything but mom taught me a lot and I'm thankful for that. Sure that I might not know the high-end professional ways of sewing and there's obviously many things out there I'd have no idea how to even sew! But yeah, the point is that I know the basics well enough for my standards/needs and I'd personally say that my sewing work is generally clean and looks proper – or at least I always strive first-hand for a neat final appearance.

Props (4/5): Pretty good, I guess? I'm by no means bad at it but I wouldn't personally say that I'm a Prop Master Deluxe™ either. I've done some weapons back in the days, especially from the Bleach series during my early cosplay years, that have received a lot of admiration at conventions as well as online, but I do think that I could still have made a better job on some parts of them – even when I originally made them. So yeah, I think I'm pretty okay on the prop making department, especially when it comes to weapon-type props. I do enjoy making props a lot and learning to use different materials, tools and techniques!

Armor making (3/5): Tough one. I really don't know what to answer on this one because creating armors is still a rather new side of cosplaying to me. In the beginning I was really hesitant and unsure of how to make it happen and I was indeed standing on shaky legs when I first experimented with craft foam and, later on, polystyrene sheets. Once I dived into the worblerful world of worbla (yes, worblerful) I've reached a new enlightenment in terms of creating armors and hey, I think that I might be able to go quite far on this part!

Wigs (3/5): Eh. I'm fairly good at shopping for wigs that give me the look I prefer but I'm not very fluid at wig styling; I have cut and styled some wigs before and they've all been rather small alterations so far. I haven't done any hardcore modifications like stubbing, gravity-defying giant spikes, widow peaks and such. I don't feel too confident handling wigs and I lose my patience perhaps a bit too fast when it comes to untangling long wigs and carefully moving layers of wefts. It's not quite my favorite part of cosplaying but it's doable. I do love shopping for wigs though (and the quest of finding the perfect one) and wearing them!

Makeup (2/5): I do acknowledge and feel that I'm way below many others when it comes to general makeup knowledge and application etc. If I'm brutally honest half the time when I'm applying makeup I'm not even too sure of what I'm actually doing, lol. 

My main issue is that the whole makeup world is so big and confusing and –to make matters worse– you need to have a lot of prerequisite knowledge of, for example your skin type, to actually get the makeup itself to work and look/perform the best on your face. I went into the makeup universe not knowing jackshit and boy was I lost – HECK, I STILL AM. NOT GONNA LIE.

I feel really unsure every time I try on some new makeup techniques and/or products because –fuck me sideways– I don't even know if I'm using the right applicator for this crap! D: As a proof of point I have a 32-piece brush set and I don't even know what 3 of them surely are for so, err, go figure. -.- The more I try to learn the more overwhelming it gets and then I just end up getting frustrated and feeling even dumber than before.

I didn't even know about the existence nor importance of primers, moisturizers and concealers until this year. Can you believe it?? Yeah, that means I did 4 years of cosplaying without preparing my facely canvas properly. Ugh. I'm not even sure if I want to know what other important products I'm completely missing as of yet...

So yeah, I really don't think that I'm honestly good with makeup and, to boot, I'm unaware of so many things that would probably be considered essential to know. I just scribble something on my face for now and hope it looks at least decent meanwhile I wait for some knowledge expansion miracle to befall upon me. Yeeeeah. #makeupishard

So yeah, as you can see I don't perceive myself as a super amazing cosplayer. I'm average – good at some things, less good at others.
And you know what? – That's perfectly okay! ♥
Along the years we'll keep improving, learning new things and shaping our cosplaying selves! I think that a big part of the fun in cosplay comes from the challenges and new things you get to tackle and experiment with! It's a given that failures will happen but so will successful creations too. I love the diversity of cosplay and hey, you aren't forced to like everything that this very wide hobby brings with it! I don't like those super-long wigs either when they get tangled into a... Tangela... after I just cast a look at them.

That's all for this time!
Hope you enjoyed this blog post and feel free to comment! ╰( ･ ᗜ ･ )╯
Shiro Samurai out ~

My cosplay story – Self-esteem issues, dealing with hate & victories!

Hello there!

First of all, sorry for the long title – I didn't really know what to name this post. Secondly, yes, I know very well that the whole topic of the cosplay hobby and its impact on someone's self-esteem –both positively and negatively– along with all the other issues that come with a hobby that focuses on visuals has been talked about, like, OVER NINETHOUSAAAND times already.

But.

I still feel like it's a topic that is always on the top, always there lurking in the background and something that very likely affects everyone who ventures into this hobby, sooner or later. We all have our stories to tell.

Yes, I am writing to you today because I feel that it's about time that I share my own story about my cosplay journey and how it has left impacts on me. This won't be solely about the typical issues we face – I will talk about some very personal things that are tied together to how it all came to be and why this hobby is now so important to me. ♡

~ I really hope that you will take your time to read this. ~
Prepare a cup of your favorite drink because this won't exactly be a short read. ;)

But before I open up about what I've kept unspoken inside, I want to make sure that everyone is aware of a few important pointers, basically – all of the opinions etc in this text are just my personal thoughts and experiences and are not to be taken as an all-encompassing absolute truth; I'm just rambling on about feelings I've had over my (cosplay) life and how they've had an impact on me as a person, how they've shaped me into who I am and all of that kind of stuff. This is all a very personal text and parts of it aren't even directly cosplay-related (but still relevant to the bigger picture) and yeah, it was really hard to write... and even harder to publish. I actually wrote most of this post a long time ago (we're talking about more than half a year here) but I just couldn't get myself to press the "publish" button; it was scary to reveal so much about myself.

So, with that cleared and out of the way I think it's time to creep under my skin and see what has been raging in there over the years. Follow with!

Okay so, first things first, which means that I'll start off with a bit of early con history for me – I started cosplaying for real in late 2009 and the reason I say 'real' is because even before I "officially started" I had done a few clothes of some of my Original Characters and this was before I even knew what cosplay was. My first cosplays were from InuYasha and Bleach, respectively, and one of the reasons I chose to start with cosplaying from more well-known series –except for liking the shows– was so that it would be fairly easy to meet and connect with new people.

– The reason?

I had very few friends before I started with cosplay.

Yes, I'm one of them too – one of those people who've had a harsh childhood and especially so doing school times. So yes, before I get to the cosplay part I first feel a need to tell a bit about my early life, to fill out some background information, so please bear with me.

You see, my first few school years I spent in southern Sweden in a school that was super chill, friendly, had a nice environment, was accepting of different people and even had a geeky feel to it. We were living the golden first age of Pokémon and the accompanying Trading Card Game, as well as the first Game Boy Color games – they were the craze in school. I was a part of the Pokémon boom too and came to terms with pretty much everyone who approached me. Many people would play with me during the breaks (both older and younger than me) and the word "bully" was something I didn't know existed.

But that luxury didn't last long – some unlucky family matters happened, my parents divorced and moved hundreds of kilometers away from each other. I went with my mom up to a whole new town and dad stayed in my childhood town in the south. It hurt my little heart to choose with whom to go...

Little did I know that the school I would start in after summer vacation was the complete opposite of what I had been used to. Yes, I'm not even exaggerating when I say that the first day in my new school I was treated by my class as some exotic being –because I was from the south– and because I was new and had a different dialect; I was basically the "new kid in class" and so, because of it, everyone appeared super-friendly and played with me - they did everything I wanted.

- Why?

Because everyone were supposed to make me feel welcome. How fake and hurtful it would be later was of no concern – I was just to be led into believing that they were my friends...

Oh, how much don't I regret being honest about my interests, being honest about who I was back then? I've realized long ago though that it never was my fault, but I've always wondered how it would have been had I not spoken those seemingly forbidden words - would everyone still had known me as 'that one kid'? That one person who was the perfect misfit?

Enough pondering of things that can't be changed – now let's get back to the story. 

So, the first school day in my new school I was the naive blue-eyed kid who didn't even know that you could have enemies and that the enemies could be not only your class, but the whole school. I completely failed to see how deceitful and rotten people could be. 

I hadn't seen it coming at all; I had been used to an environment where being yourself was natural and perfectly okay and even expected of you – that there existed no "wrong interests" that weren't even allowed to exist, to be spoken. Admitted. 

If I only had known, back then, that revealing what was my greatest interest would inevitably turn it into the greatest shame as well; that one and one word alone could peel away all my human worth in a flash.

It felt like I had met with a huge culture collision – what was the most popular thing in one place was the lamest in the next.  

Needless to say that almost every single day –since day one– of the remaining years of my 9-year compulsory school (which were more than half) was a living hell. I was constantly getting my belongings destroyed, I was ridiculed, looked down upon, treated like air, laughed at whenever I turned, chosen last for group activities and just being constantly reminded that I was the odd one out. People would even steal my belongings and run away with them, steal and eat my pre-lunch snacks –which I had taken with me from home– directly from my backpack etc. Also, when the teachers would pick groups I would always hear someone shouting out stuff like "eew no, not that one! Don't come into my group!" when my name was mentioned, accompanied by glances that made it clear that I was but poison to them.
Oh, and even though I somehow managed to avoid most physical violence I still got some of it. There was this one winter day when I was playing outside in the school's yard, behind two small storages, when out of nowhere a bunch of other guys came, pushed me so that I slipped on the ice and fell face down and then proceeded to gang up and shoot –with some clubs, possibly floorball– big lumps of ice and packed snow on me when I was lying all helpless on the ground. I don't know who they were or what they wanted – I don't even know if they knew me. But I can tell that it hurt a lot and I'll never forget it. Teachers didn't lift a finger afterwards either and why was that? Because I never saw their faces, so they couldn't be identified – how could I have seen them when the only option I had left, at that moment, was to wait out the assault? I had to keep my head down or I would have gotten a goddamn ice lump straight into my face...

The only times my classmates took contact with me was when they needed help with something that I excelled in; otherwise I didn't exist to them.

Even though I've gone through hell I still found a few golden corns in the dust; I managed to get myself two friends who were real to me, two friends who have helped me stand up and stay strong and never give up on who I really was. They accepted me early on and even today I am still in touch with them – you know who you are. These two people –whom, funnily enough, were born on the same day although not related by blood– might not know it but they were my saving grace and safe net during most of my childhood. I can't even begin to thank them enough for not freezing me out after day one. It was very important to have someone who honestly cared, someone who wouldn't judge me based on a single difference; a difference that everyone else thought was the only factor that decided whether or not I was to be treated like an equal...

Okay, so I guess that will do for a description of my early life. No sugarcoating added.

I did leave school behind me with a lot of scars and trusting issues (I've had my fair share of fake friends and backstabbers) and this of course was visible when I started attending my very first few anime conventions – I was very careful, distant, observant and I didn't really talk unless spoken to. I made sure not to trust anyone too fast because it was a mistake I had made back then –way too many times– and it always hurt.

But I soon realized that pretty much everyone I talked to had experiences similar to those I was carrying - most of us had been victims of school bullying. In some way we all were the same.

I started to catch a glimpse of a pattern – maybe there was a connection why people who were into the same basic things as I was were, for some reason, more likely to get shunned by society? 

But along the years I've also been forced to realize that everything had a dark side – even those that seemed to be a safe haven at first. I started hearing and reading about convention & cosplay bullying and for the first few seconds it was almost too hard to believe – until I remembered that humans are only humans in the end and that, in every community, there will be rotten apples and those who have a need to step on others to make themselves feel better.

But why does this happen in a safe community that already mostly consists of former victims to begin with? Why would anyone in their right mind want to hurt one of our own; most of us probably already carry deep scars from past experiences. Why do we have to damage the already damaged ones more and make a meant-to-be-safe environment unsafe by doing so?

There's many questions in life that I'll probably never stop asking – and I'll likely never get answers to them either. Mankind works in mysterious ways...

Now that I've gotten that out of my chest I think that I can move on to tell about some of the thoughts and, later on, issues, that I've realized and faced along with this costuming hobby. But, first off, I think that I'm not too wrong in saying that cosplay is a visual hobby, right? I mean, in a way you are a walking piece of art –while you're wearing your costume– and trying to recreate a character and look as much like said character as possible. Then again, not everyone cares as much about accuracy and bringing the character to life. But I'd be lying to myself at least if I said that cosplay was not about visuals at all and well, with a visual hobby like cosplay you're bound to –sooner or later– run into a myriad of things that will make your self-esteem waver and shake – especially if it was already shattered before you started this hobby. I'm definitely not saying that self-esteem only ever goes down with cosplay, oh no no! 

But just let me first talk about some of the issues I've faced along the way when I became more aware of where I was standing in this hobby and how it made me realize different things.

Before I started cosplaying I had very low self-esteem and confidence. I used to be that guy who couldn't even back up his own words to defend himself. I was so weak that it was ridiculous - I hated it and it made me hate myself even more, to the point that I stopped even trying to fight back hurtful words thrown at me. I shut myself out. Gave up. It was easier like that; to ignore them and hope they stopped.

If I only had been awesome enough to get rid of
the annoyances like this...

When I went to my first anime conventions everything was heaven – people were kind, they complimented me and my costume and were actually genuinely interested in how I had made some parts of it etc. It made me feel like I was actually worth something and that I, maybe even more importantly, belonged to this community.
I got new friends and I am sure that after a few conventions under my belt –and some completed costumes later– I actually started to feel a weird feeling inside me... something I had barely even grasped at before.

I felt that I was maybe even beautiful.

I'm not saying this to fish for compliments or the whole "oh don't say that, you're pretty" jazz. I'm saying it because it's a true feeling I've had for most of my life – believe it or not but I've pretty much never perceived myself as someone who looked decent.
I used to hate my mirror image still kinda do and I avoided cameras like the plague itself, for most of my life. I'm fairly sure that at least 16 years of my life I didn't give a flying shit about how I looked and that's because I was set on believing that it was a lost game since the day I was born; it also didn't help that one of the reasons I was bullied in school was because I was different in both interest and looks. No one saw me as attractive, not even close. I was the so-called ugly and different guy and I wasn't exactly thin or athletic back then either – which didn't help my self-image. 

But since I started cosplaying I've had to come to terms with my looks and even try to do something about them – why did I otherwise take up a hobby that requires you to stand in front of a camera and look confident?

I had to start caring about what I looked like and I had to find ways to make myself look at least a little bit representative and similar to the character I was portraying. I had to do it even if it meant telling lies to myself until I actually started believing in them.

Cosplay made me start to pay serious attention to my looks and yeah, by that I also mean that I had to learn how to use makeup I'm up for some hard shit and finding photo angles that would make those few good traits –which I was actually content with– lessen the focus on the myriad of problem areas I had. 

There was a lot of learning and trial & error ahead and I slowly started to think that "hey, maybe this is the thing for me!" because, after all, at this point cosplay had given me so much joy and positivity that I had been missing in life; it had filled out that empty hole of disappointment, anxiety and hopelessness that had been inside me for all this time. I somehow needed this hobby to survive and now I had to do my best to keep it up. To keep my breathing hole open.

But at some point, when I had grown confident enough in myself, I had also started doing one of the common mistakes – I saw photos of so picture-perfect cosplayers (photoshopped or not) that I couldn't help but comparing themselves to me, unconsciously or consciously. And then, I started to see that seemingly even in cosplay it played a big part whether you were attractive or not – cosplayers who had a pretty face/body and a nicely crafted cosplay were often much more popular than someone who only had the nice cosplay and not all of the admirable physical traits. 
I suddenly felt insignificant. Discouraged. Almost disgusted with my realization.

Why did our society's forced-down-the-throat beauty standards have to have such a notable role in this faraway hobby too?

Then again, I should have seen it coming – the standards are bound to bleed into cosplay and everything else that we do as well; there is no escaping it. The more mainstream cosplay becomes, the more likely it is to be corrupted by mainstream standards as well.
Cosplay is maybe even as much about building a social community with like-minded people as it is about practicing the (visual) hobby, so it's kinda bound to happen that people in and outside of it will, at some point, start to categorize and rank other cosplayers based on more than just their costuming skills alone. If you weren't good-looking you had a harder time getting acknowledged for your superb crafting skills; same thing if you happened to have the "wrong skin color for the character" or something else –that you can't control– that the armchair critics could flame you for.
All the beauty standards etc do have a strong hold on us thanks to advertising, television, and media; we are exposed to them all the time, everywhere, and, whether we want it or not, we are formed by it until we realize something is off and break free. Needless to say that all the images and whatnot that we've been constantly fed with –since the day we were born– will affect us, even in cosplay; the tightly boxed standards of attractiveness will be right there and, unless you fit nicely into them, they will remind you that you might have to work twice as hard as someone 'prettier' just to be considered a "good cosplayer". 
Even if the cosplay community strives to be a welcoming safe place, at least on the outside, we still can't escape the world around us just by being a part of something that is considered very different – the "normal standards" will still enter together with each new community member.
We aren't safe anywhere from being judged, having others assume things about us and being valued differently based on our physical appearance, sadly – the world is not that good of a place yet. But we should work on making our way there.
I could go on and on about this but that's for a different topic so I'll leave it at that – you get the drift.

Society has already done enough harm to the whole body image issue and it would be much better if we could, somehow, keep it out of the cosplay community.

But yeah, wish thinking right there. Seeing my dear hobby having this "who is pretty and not pretty will determine how far you can get"-crap applied to it as well (that I had wanted to escape when I started cosplay) didn't sit quite right with me at first and, for a moment, it honestly felt bad. It wasn't what I wanted out of this hobby that tends to market itself as something that everybody can do and enjoy – I just wanted to have fun without the fear of being compared to whoever had done the costume better than me or who was blessed with prettier genes than me... or both.

It didn't matter what you identified as - all had the same thing going on; if you wanted to become recognized for your work then you seemed to need a bit more than just an amazing cosplay or a well-crafted suit of armor.

Suddenly my favorite hobby had turned into a beauty contest.

My feelings in a nutshell.

I had started to become very self-conscious; suddenly all my flaws were at least ten times more obvious and they all were glaring at me! What was just a fun crafty hobby -that was all about being a geek in a costume appreciating and showing love towards the source material- had now turned into a constant sea of fear and being painfully aware of everything that was wrong with my body... and my costume.

It wasn't enjoyable to pose in front of the camera anymore. When someone asked for my photo the only thing I felt was horrible discomfort and anxiety - I was always painfully aware that the photo could so easily look unflattering.

I had started to know how to photograph myself and I knew what angles I had a better chance of appearing decent in, but trusting someone else with the camera was as horrific as it was crucial to get a bigger variation on my photos; it had to happen at some point – I had to spread out. 

I was harsh on myself and every time a photo was especially bad I just wanted to fall through the floor. My self-esteem would sink rock bottom. I didn't want to believe that the hideous stranger on some of the photos was how I could look in the eyes of someone else – that it was real. It couldn't be the same person, not now when I had finally started coming to terms with the guy who looked back at me from the mirror after all these years! 

The more I thought I looked good one day, the more I crashed when there was a bad photo of me on the next.

Cosplay was like fuel for the anxiety and in 2014, as well as most of 2015, believe it or not but I was several times feeling so bad about it all that I considered quitting cosplay altogether and not even going to any cons and, if I did anyway, then I would either go in my casual clothes or only cosplay characters that were hiding every part of me that I was at war with.

I also had the misfortune of ending up on a horrible site –because of a chain of events where I did nothing wrong– that criticized, ridiculed, laughed at and dehumanized both me, my personal life as well as my cosplays. It was disheartening to say the least; everything –confidence included– that I had built up along the years was dented deeply just because some internet asshole wanted to start drama and bring in the popcorns – on the expense of a real human being.
Did I really deserve getting those completely tasteless rude comments and being dehumanized to the point of being an object, an 'it'? It's seemingly so easy to hate behind the screen under a safe anonymous identity, knowing that no one can pin you down for your disgusting behavior...
I'm not gonna lie – I utterly despise these kind of heartless, cowardly and emotionless humans with no conscience of what is right and wrong. Those who laugh and bark down on others to up themselves are of the most pitiful kind – and karma should get them in the end.

Sure that cosplay is an art form and everyone appreciates art differently; you will never be able to please everyone. But that doesn't give you the right to be a full-fledged jerk who left all their common sense at the door. Some people will also say that by putting yourself out on the internet, clad in cosplay for all the world to see, that you're asking for it. 

No. 

One hundred times no.

No one deserves hate for something that they do for their own enjoyment and, especially, not for something that doesn't harm anyone. Ever. 
Little does whoever spews a hateful comment online –or in real life– realize how much of a long-term effect it could have left on the victim; it could leave a scar that won't ever fade completely. A few bad words could linger on for a lifetime, if uttered during a fragile moment or to a sensitive person, and that's not okay – it's never okay.
Sure that "internet is a cruel place" and all that but someone, please, tell me why said sentence seems to justify for some that it's okay to be a human shithole and add to it? Stop cosplay hate – in the end we are all humans, in costumes, having a good time. 

We all have different tastes but really, everyone should have been taught the golden rules on how to be a good human being:

1. Do to others what you want them to do to you.
2.  If you don't like, don't look.
3. If you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.

Why would anyone in their right mind want to make the world a bad place? There is already so much cruelty out there, we don't need it to infect our hobbies too...

Being rude only shows everyone else that you are the one, who, inside, is the ugliest of them all.

Basic respect is the key to a better world and you know what? In the end anonymous hateful comments are those that have absolutely zero worth to you – that's what you should tell yourself. Because seriously, why should you let yourself be tossed around, affected by and stepped on by some faceless stranger, who is too much of a coward to tell their opinion face-to-face anyway? Why should they get to feel powerful by making you give up on what you love doing; why should you even consider letting the haters win?
If you enjoy hurting others, for your own pathetic amusement, then you're pretty wrong in the head and need some serious help. Haters inflating their own ego and getting kicks out of laughing at innocent people achieve only one thing in this life – the achievement of being a disgrace to all of humanity.
Don't misunderstand me though; constructive criticism for example is perfectly fine when asked for but, if no one wanted or asked for it, then fucking don't automatically proceed to shove it down someone's throat and think that it's okay. That just makes you a jerk, period. Don't crash someone's happiness because it didn't please your eyes. There's also a big difference in constructive feedback (when wanted) and just pure hate.
And I don't think that people who actually are more experienced than you at cosplay are the ones who talk shit online like they have no tomorrow and no life; experienced cosplayers should know better than pressing down and shit-flicking on those still learning. It's more likely to be those who can't do better –or who don't even cosplay– who are the ones barking. It's always easier to judge and talk bad about someone when you haven't been in their shoes, now isn't it?
Think about it – every time you do or say something mean to someone else (for example: spill very personal information about them or create lies to give them a bad reputation), would you like it if someone did the exact same thing to you, or worse?? Probably not, am I right? Then don't do hurtful things to others either – it's as simple as that.
Wake up, World.

And I will tell you one thing – ever since that one horrible event I haven't had many a day when the words thrown at me (and the rest that was done to me) haven't come back into my mind, like a ghost from the past. I have decided to move on –to not let them bring me down anymore– but doing such disgusting injustice towards a single person is just plain wrong and sickening on so many levels. Nothing made me deserve being exposed like that. It's something that I can't pretend never happened. It leaves a lasting scar, even though it healed.
I urge everyone to think before they act – the laugh you get from ridiculing someone (online or in real life) might last no more than 5 minutes and then you move on to the next thing to do, but the victim you made fun of will likely bear the memory and the pain much longer than they should ever need to. Much longer than you, the bully, will ever remember. 
And it can burn and haunt the victim's mind.
Every. Single. Day.

So yeah, let's backtrack a bit back to the visual anxiety of cosplay. I know, this post is getting long.
At one point I was indeed weakened again, for various reasons, and I kept thinking that it was for the better that I would just take at least a break from cosplaying and going to anime conventions; I was nearing the burnout and the hopeless feeling crawled back in – I didn't want to participate in something that would end up focusing so much on if you were lucky with the genetic lottery or not, and if you were deemed good enough as a cosplayer to please every single fucking pair of eyes out there.
I just didn't feel any kind of excitement and joy towards cosplaying and attending cons; it was as if the little flame of hype, which I had felt in my early cosplay years, had died down and was nowhere to be found. But at the same time I knew that if I didn't go to any cons I would just feel bad anyway, as well as let the fear win – aided by the multiple pressures or not.

I still ended up going to conventions –almost as if nothing had happened– but all along I was trying to not let it show that, maybe most of all, I just wanted to run and hide somewhere far away. Somewhere where no cameras could target me and no eyes could spot me and possibly see what I thought was wrong with me.

If we skip forward to more recent times then I've been dealing with these thoughts on and off – but I pulled through it all in the end. Sort of.
After all the bad feelings, short-comings, failures and pressures I've arrived at the conclusion that there is no point in dwelling over what hurts you, maims you, whether it be the demons within your head or someone else who is playing the demon. There is nothing good coming out of comparing your costumes to those of someone who has been into the hobby for much longer and thus has more experience – the only thing it will do is crumble your self-confidence.
There isn't any good in listening to those who judge and talk bad about you without offering any helpful advice either. Why would you worry about your skill level and compare yourself to others when you can spend that time to make new costumes and improve? We shouldn't be too harsh on ourselves and neither to newcomers in the hobby; with cosplay you learn a lot just by doing and trying. No one starts as a professional and I personally think that the biggest personal success is when you can, along the years, notice notable improvement on your costuming skills!

No one knows the best tricks from the start. We all learn through mistakes and successes; all those things we made in the past are there to remind us that we have improved.

That said – never talk shit about someone who is still learning, and the truth is that we never stop doing just that. The whole life is a learning process, whether it's about cosplay or something completely different. The day you stop learning is the day you die.

I've had some wonderful people help me with fighting off these bad thoughts when they resurfaced and overwhelmed me and I'm really thankful about the encouragement given; sometimes when everything feels dark it's an amazing feeling to know that you still have friends, who love you exactly as you are, and who will always hold your back even when you can't stand up by yourself anymore.

I am still not completely over it all but I'm trying to treat all the remaining issues, each in the way that it is needed; I'm trying to change my lifestyle to be a bit healthier I'm a horrible sweet tooth and start working out more seriously and, maybe most importantly, I'm also trying to tell myself that no one shall ever dictate how and why I cosplay, ever!

I'm trying not to let the visual pressure of a visual hobby get me down too much but, at times, it's still hard; I just never had that much of self-confidence to begin with, even though, for some people I've met, I seemingly come off as the opposite...? This is also why I'm happy about every single positive comment and compliment that I get and that's because kind words are the best cure to lifting up a new and stronger you out of the ruins. So even if I don't always answer, know that I am grateful to each and every one of you. ♡

I cosplay for my own joy and enjoyment, but I wouldn't have gotten this far without your support and neither would I have met so many wonderful souls. 

I'm not striving to get anywhere really far and become popular in this hobby, it's not my goal - my goal is to spend my time doing something that I love and genuinely enjoy doing. Any positive attention that I get along the way I take as a bonus, but it's not the driving force for why I am into this hobby - I cosplay because it gives me joy in life, friends, a purpose to put my creativity to the test as well as a way to express my love for some of my favorite characters. ♡  

Cosplay is a splash of color in my everyday life.

...

......

Oops, I hope I even make sense and that this all wasn't for nothing. I know that it's probably heavy to read through, but I'm just a human and affected by negative spirals just as well as everyone else and hey, I thought it better to get it out of my head instead of keeping it all inside. I probably forgot to mention a lot of things too...

It was really really hard to write this all down and show it to the world, honestly. No joke.
Did anyone even read all of it...? *hands over a virtual cookie*

But, in the end I want to mention that I wouldn't trade this hobby for anything and neither would I change the experiences that I've had.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
 I am not ashamed of who I am and neither should anyone else be ashamed of who and what they are. Show the world that you roll in your own confident way and if someone has a problem with that then they can gladly go, take their stinky attitude with them and roll in the opposite direction. Haters are but a waste of your breath, so pay them no mind – they don't deserve to affect even a second of your life. You're too precious to be hurt.

I've learned so much thanks to cosplay – I've gotten so many golden memories, more confidence in many ways, I've gotten a driving force to strive to better my crafts and creativity and show it off and, most of all, I wouldn't even be the person I am today had I not ventured into this wonderful hobby. Sure that life itself can be superficial at times (and a bitch! But if life is easy then you're doing it wrong, haha) and passing hardships will eventually strengthen you, even if they almost crush you to dust at first. If we focus on what we enjoy instead of what we can't change so much about something that we love, then we will be happier and content with who we are and what we do.

Cosplay for most of us is a hobby, not a profession; no one should feel forced to master all the arts that some people might deem "needed to be a great cosplayer" – that's bullshit. One would have to be pretty deluded to expect that every single cosplayer needs to be a flawless master at acting, modeling, knowing fabrics, sewing, crafting, hair styling, choreography, video/photo editing, stage presence, makeup, theatrics, woodwork, painting, pattern drafting, material uses, electronics, problem solving, photography etc. One can simply not expect a cosplayer to excel equally in all of the professions possibly included within this hobby – that's plain unrealistic.

In the end, every hobby we take on, usually boils down to entertainment and enjoyment – we all should also remember that, if it stops being fun, then you need to take a step back and see where the knot is along the rope and straighten it out again.
No one has the right to tell you that you're doing it wrong. The only person's judgement you should listen to in the end – it is your own.

Long live cosplay! ♥